You understand that you love not when you hear beatiful words.
Love is not prooves.
It's not jumps froms the bridge or millions of red roses.
It's not writing poems with ideal rythm and not a ring on your finger.
It is simple - when you hold his hand and realize that ready to explode cuz of happiness or
when you spend last money on your mobile just to hear his voice...This is love.

This video is like my week end in Belgium, very similar feeling:

Came back)

Yeap, blogspot is now working for me and I started new chapter in my life called "Sweden and Electrolux", and also it's my birthday today!
So I'm back to my blog!

Can't believe I'm 25) It freaks out somehow cuz of social pressure: people expect you to be stable, with family and succesfull person at that age, at least in Kazakhstan. And I'm not married, have no kids, started internship in Electrolux, so have no clue where will be celebrating my next birthday.
But...I was looking today through random photos of mine since childhood till today. I was looking at all those great moments, people, places and realized that I'm happy with what I have. I look back and do not regret a thing, because I was alwyas trying out new things and was doing them my way. I'm very happy today particularly cuz my friends from all the world congratulate me and with each of them I have special connection and special memories which we share.
I am successful in my own way, without family and stable job, but successfull in living my life the way I want, having people around who will never give up on me and from who I learn so much,having person who I love, experiencing new cultures and enjoying each moment!
Happy Birthday to me!

Closest people in life are not those who you always have fun with, always comfortable, who U're joking all the time with and never had any problems. Those people will always be with you changing one another...
Closest people are those who U loved and hated, had best times and worst times, had conflicts, but forgave, had this awkward silence, but overcame it. And you can allow yourself not to be ideal, allow yourself some weaknesses, cuz they accept and love you they way you are.
But the most difficult part is this phase when person from first description transforms to some phase from second description, and you're afraid...Will you overcome the challenges together or he/she will just leave? Will you be accepted the way you are and will you be able to accept the person with all pluses and minuses?

Unrequited love

So what are you supposed to say to person who says: "I love you", when you don't? Replying is silly, silence is awkward and your friendship is usually ends at that very minute. Sad.

And what to reply back when smb says: "I still love you", and you already don't? You just feel guilty being happy without him/her at that moment.

What are you telling to person who says: "I've been waiting for you", and you didn't think a minute of him/her all this time. And friendship which could happen is over, even have not started.

Testing

Just testing if blogger really working now in Kazakhstan:)
It's best news of the day!
Was missing posting my random thoughts and events!
Welcome back!

Why are the most wonderful things end so soon, you want to catch each second and it passes away so quickly, it was... and now it's gone. And from the other side if problems start, they never end... Maybe it's wrong to say it in AIESEC, but: I'm tired of challenges, I want everything to go smooth and easy, cuz each second I feel like sitting on a powder keg, and want to feel like just sitting on a chair, for example, with no danger of explosion:) At least to have this feeling for a week, so my brain and body has some rest.
I have 11 hours to finish millions of things and sleep a little bit, so gotta stop writing and go handle my "power keg".

Piano

My first and forever love is piano. When I'm stressed, when things goes wrong, when I'm too excited and need to calm down, I wanna sit and touch the keyboard: my lovely black and white keys and play...hear how music fills in the air and feel that I'm creating it - this beauty. Yeap, when I play the piano, I feel like creating something beatiful. And everything what's going on around doesn't matter anymore, only music matters, only stories in Ur head matter, only harmony inside matters.
10 days to touch my keyboard and feel it again - how it is to create beauty...

Remember

A good thing to remember is somebody's got it a lot worse than we do.
So don't be sorry for yourself, don't excuse yourself, don't complain.
Just enjoy, be happy, be free, be grateful, move forward.

I'm a little bit lost right now. My MC term in Russia -this HUUGE chapter in my life with the beatiful team experience, extreme achievements and hard challenges was oficially over 2 days ago. But I'm still in Moscow, in MC flat with part of my team preparing our last project - H4TF conference, so I still feel like working and like being MCVPTM:)
And two many things will be going on with me in May: selection process next two weeks (my next year depends on that), moving home in 2 weeks (still need to manage moving my enormous amount of clothes to Kazakhstan somehow), chairing at conference in my home LC (super exciting), my Vojta coming to Moscow next week (happy happy happy), work in TMU (lots of work).
Right now I feel happy and physically exhausted, like I was keeping myself on high energy level all year long and now when U have no definite next steps, U feel lost, tired, but.... optimistic:) and need time for yourself, finally some time for yourself:)
And I want to write so many things about my MC term, each day, hour, minute which I've lived here with my team and don't know how to put it in words...
When get home will go to mountains, get fresh air and pack my experience I got, yeap I'll do it.
For now one thing to do: excellent H4TF conference for people I've worked with the whole year!

I always loved russian poetry, sometimes we took book of poems with my niece and were reading it aloud, learning by heart favourite ones. But it's not the same with poems on english, I do not enjoy it so much, as russian poetry...Wonder why, maybe cuz it's not my native language...From the other side spanish poems sound beatiful, though I do not understand a word. Maybe, it's true that some languages are made for poetry and others are not.

Do you feel like this sometimes?

"I have no idea how it feels to be utterly loved.

I am the place a person falls to when life gets hard.
I am the shoulder, the keeper of secrets, the kindness through their pain.
I am the wisdom, the knowledge, the prophet when everything goes wrong.

I have no idea how it feels to be utterly loved".

Voice

In the morning on the kitchen:
- Pasha, why do you talk to Delya EVERY single day?
- Because I want to hear her voice every day...

Isn't it sweet? :)

Voice...not ideas, words...voice

Conversations

Wanna thank my friend for yesterday conversation about "conversation" and its importance in our life. As we still didn't create anything else to communicate: we express ourselves through words, phrases, sentences. Music and art is more supportive - helping us to express feelings and emotions.

- Conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue.
- Do we really listen? Or just waiting for our turn to talk?
- Are we open to express ourselves? Or expecting person to guess about our ideas and feelings?

Think about it, if you look around you'll understand that your friends are those who you can talk to, and you don't surround yourself with people who are not likely to have interesting conversations with you, or random conversations, or funny conversations. I remember this moment in summer: when I felt that my boyfriend doesn't have empathy anymore and doesn't wanna talk to me as before, I realized: "something is wrong", which turned out to be true.
But I'm happy I have people around for fruitful conversations, for random conversations, for gossips conversations, for complaining conversations, for deep conversations, for touching conversations, for "generating ideas" conversations: who listens, who shares, who cares.

My mom is the best mother-in-law for my future husband for sure, just got sure in it one more time. My parents overall are the best, one more month and I'll be with them. Wish everybody to have kind of relations I have with my mom&dad: open, warm and loving.

Capturing moments

Best way to capture moments are music and photos. I already have my playlist of "moments", so when you listen to it, feeling you had at particular point of time, at that very "moment" you remember is coming back. Bit of a problem with photos for me, as recently I've been not lucky with cameras:) Nevertheless today put one more goal for 2010: get a camera and capture "moments", especially I would love to take photos of people around me: their different expressions on face, emotions, the way they look at you, smile, concentrate, talk - it's beatiful and these are the moments I want to remember.

Emotions

- Why does person need emotions if there's nobody to share them with?
- You can share them with me...

Think before you speak

Plans...

I think I am not good in "structured" posts:) Again random one, had lunch with my friend and we were discussing future plans. Some thoughts not to forget:

Event management, NGO or Social Entrepreneurship? (AIESEC is an option:) )
1,5 months to decide.
What is important for me to decide?
- Ability to be creative - generating new ideas
- People who love what they do, enjoy it and believe in it
- Bringing happiness and changes with what I do
- Being closer to people I love in terms of deciding on destination

Discovered for myself Regina Spektor, love her songs:

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Think positive

To the topic of AI elections (between really happy for people who got there now in the second round). Anyway, found it among my notes on IPM:

"February, 17, 2010.
...The worst part is that I don't know if I wanna be in AI. Don't know. And it's really worrying me. I doubt my motivation a loooot...And it's silly to give it up now when you're in the process already and flew all way to Tunisia for the sake of elections. And inside I hope that will not be elected, isn't it weird? Wanna talk about it, talk talk talk, but everybody says that it's cuz I'm nervous and have these thoughts. And I'm not sure if wanna do it and it's for me, if wanna work with Hugo (who most probably will be elected) and if believe in some certain initiatives which are being driven..."
It's funny coincidence how Ur thoughts come to true.
So "think positive" phrase is not without the meaning:)